Chapter 36

It was a cold and windy Sunday and John climbed out on the 

rocks at Karekare Beach. Although it was a well-known beach famous for appearing in a number of movies such as “The Piano” he was completely alone on this afternoon, and he had a mission to read and study.

His work today consisted of “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz, and it had been a great comfort to him during a number of difficult times in his life. He was currently struggling with both loneliness as well as indecision, and he was trying to find some spiritual guidance.

He had turned down Amarita’s offer to make love that afternoon,

and she had left feeling hurt and angry. He hadn’t spoken to her since that day, and had spent a number of sleepless nights wondering if he had made the right decision. He wasn’t sure if he could trust his feelings at this moment.

Today he was spending time with the first agreement, which 

discussed being impeccable with your word. He read “Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.”

He thought about that as it related to his unwillingness to engage in 

an ongoing affair. He could no longer reconcile the idea that he gave people advice and guidance in his work based on honesty and integrity, while simultaneously being involved in an affair. It wasn’t being impeccable with one’s word.

He thought about some advice that he often dispensed to others in difficult relationships that, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” He was trying to believe that he deserved someone’s total and unwavering commitment. The other part of him wanted the company of a beautiful woman that willing to give him almost everything. Almost everything.

He had decided that still wasn’t enough.