Chapter 14

Driving back to Auckland, he thought about what had happened, and why he had given in to his impulses. He’d had many chances to be with women in the years he had been alone, but had always resisted the urge. Why now?

 

 He reviewed the past couple of weeks of his life, and realized he had been drinking much more than usual. Was he reverting back to his old self? Regressing in some way? A part of him rationalized that he was a consenting adult who simply chose to enjoy some time with another consenting adult. He had made no promises, and been honest about his mental state and his intentions.


So why did he feel so guilty?

He took the west coast again, and this time took a road called the surf highway in the Taranaki region which featured high, sprawling cliffs and rough seas. He purchased a bottle of NZ cabernet and found a quiet spot near the town of Opunake. He was feeling different somehow, and he fished his kindle out of his bag and found a passage from Elizabeth Gilbert in “Eat Pray Love” he wanted to reflect, he read,

‘When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.’

 It was that last line, “Never use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings.” Had he just done that? Fulfilled a sexual need that he had neglected for a very long time? 

He knew his conscience was working overtime, and he decided he wouldn’t beat himself up over it anymore. But he would be more careful about his interactions with others. In his younger days he simply satisfied his own urges and didn’t fully consider how others may have interpreted these interactions. Alcohol was always a factor. Without the alcohol, he felt things very deeply and personally, and the antidote of alcohol allowed him to act on his more selfish urges. 

 He looked at his bottle of wine, and saw there was still a half bottle or so remaining. He took a long look at the ocean, and turned it upside down, watching it trickle down the rocks and slowly down to the water. He didn’t want it right now. Didn’t need it. 

 When he had run into these kinds of question in his life, historically he had always returned to his work, and he felt this would also be a good solution now. He had a full roster of clients to look after, and also wanted to return to his writing. He felt, at last, ready to tell another story to the world. Regardless who may still be reading.