Chapter 35

She pulled up in her shiny BMW and ran into his arms for a hug. Despite his resolve to stand firm in this meeting, he felt like putty in her arms seeing and touching her again. As Sun Tzu said, “Every plan is perfect until the enemy attacks.”

They took a moment to take in the view as the sun began to set. It was one of the nicest spots in the city, and it might have been a perfect moment under different circumstances. He felt her grab his hand and he didn’t resist.

“So nice to see you doctor,” she said. “I wasn’t sure where we went from Sydney but I know I’ve been dying to see you again. And I must admit, I would have been happy to meet at your house or a hotel or something. What made you chose this place?”

“This was the first place I came when I moved to Auckland actually. And do you know what made me move here? I never told you this but it was you. Our time together in Castle Point was like a glimpse of what life could be. I made the decision right then and there to reconnect with people again and decided to move to the city. And yet here you are. There’s a strange synchronicity to it all actually. Except for one thing. You aren’t available to me. Not completely.”

In response to that she grabbed his head with both of her hands and held his face. She pulled him into a long kiss and he didn’t resist. It was hard to fight the physical attraction, and he wasn’t even sure he could. She was here. She was present and she wanted him. This beautiful woman wanted him. Why fight it?

And then the voice came back to him.

No more rationalizations.

“Look,” he said as he pulled away from her. “I would like nothing more in the world than to hold you and kiss you and undress you, and I’ve been thinking of little else since we saw each other. But the problem is it wasn’t just a physical thing for me. It’s there between us. In every way. I know it and you know it. But I don’t want to go on knowing we’re hurting someone else. I just don’t.”

“Look doc. I feel like I’ve explained myself a number of times now, and I feel like I may be repeating myself now. What do you want to hear? That I feel the connection too? That I think about you all the time? I do! I never knew you moved here because of me, but can’t you see that it isn’t a coincidence? Didn’t you write a whole book about this stuff?"

“Yea, I did actually,” he said with a laugh. “And it was really nice to hear you say all of that. And God to I hate to be a buzzkill here. But there’s still the elephant in the room here we haven’t talked about. Your fiancé. What are we going to do about that? What are you going to do about that?”

“Look John. If you’re giving me an ultimatum, then I have to tell you, I won’t be put on the spot like that. I want to be with you, I really do. But again. It’s complicated right now. But can you look me right in the eye. Really look at me, and say you don’t want to make love to me? Right here and right now?”

He thought a long time about the question as he turned away from her and looked at the gorgeous green hills in the half-light of the sunset. It was a very mindful moment in his life and he wanted to make a decision with his whole heart and mind.

Chapter 34

The interview went off without a hitch, and he found himself 

energized with the give and take of doing media appearances again. It was an old seduction for him, and he reflected on what he had read on ego during his Buddhist readings the day before. “Big egos are big shields for lots of empty space.”

He decided that as part of cleaning out his emotional closet, he 

would do his best to wrap up the unfinished business in his life. He had made a good start with Lisa, and since the accident had gotten back to the gym and abstained from alcohol. It was an old cycle for him, and he wanted to get off the treadmill once and for all.

He thought back to a challenge F Scott Fitzgerald had made to his daughter back when he was a young father. “Am I trying to make my body a useful instrument or am I neglecting it?” A year later he had drunk himself to death when he was not much older than John. It was a cautionary tale he had always been aware of.

The biggest unfinished business in his life had to do with Amarita, 

and how he would handle their past, present, and future. He was trying to live a life where his personal and professional values aligned, and sleeping with someone else’s woman was not an honorable way to behave. He was done with rationalizations and grey areas.

He decided that sending her an email asking to meet would be the 

best course of action, as he didn’t know how comfortable she was with him texting her. It was sneaking around he knew, but he needed to get this resolved. He had learned from his interactions with Lisa that there was rarely such a thing as “casual” when it came to affairs of the human heart.

They agreed to meet at One Tree Hill, which was a lush and green park on a former volcano that offered stunning views of Auckland and the sea beyond it. He debated on bringing wine, and then vetoed the idea in his mind. Clarity was his goal here. Not lowering his inhibitions and his already shaky impulse control.

Chapter 33

The next morning he had an interview scheduled with Radio New Zealand on the relationship between depression and the change in seasons, which was a subject he had a great deal of personal experience with. He was intimately acquainted with the ebbs and flows of seasonal affective disorder, as 20 years of battling with Chicago winters had consistently tested his resolve.

He felt a tinge of nervousness doing media appearances again, as he had thus far flown under the radar during his time in New Zealand. In what felt like a lifetime ago, he appeared on a number of major television shows in the US, and as a young man he envisioned himself as another Dr. Drew or one of the rest of the high profile media psychologists.

Somewhere along the way he discovered that one to one work was much more gratifying, as his research and work on the relationship between fame, humor, celebrity, and coping had led him to some unexpectedly dark places. As Nietzsche said, “Those who battle monsters should beware that they themselves don’t become monsters.” It had been strangely prophetic regarding his past brushes with fame.

His research on the subject of seasonal affective disorder led him to consider the transitional nature of the human experience. Everything about us as human beings was in transition. All of our thoughts, feelings, and life experiences were all simply stops along a journey to something else. Depression could be a particularly stubborn kind of transition, but much like the tides that rolled in and out with the moon, it was usually something that came and went with the passage of time.

His reading led him to some ideas on Buddhist thought and meditation that he hadn’t considered for some time. At various times in his life he had turned to the Buddhists for comfort, and he found that reading some of his old materials was like getting reacquainted with an old friend. He read-

‘Most people assume that meditation is all about stopping thoughts, getting rid of emotions, somehow controlling the mind. But actually it’s about stepping back, seeing the thought clearly, witnessing it coming and going.’

“Witnessing it coming and going.” A good way of looking at intrusive and negative thoughts, and perhaps a good way of visualizing the nature of time and transition. He thought about Siddhartha, one of the first books he ever fell in love with, and how he used to sit at the river by his house and think and read about all of these grand ideas.

He was in a calmer space now as he prepared to get back into the media arena. It was only radio, but in New Zealand it was a pretty big deal, and he knew it might attract some attention.

He wanted to be fully present for it. His mind had been wandering a bit lately, and messiness in life often ensued from there.

Chapter 32

He woke up in Auckland hospital and looked around. He looked down at his legs and saw that everything seemed to be intact, which he took as a good sign. Whatever had happened, he seemed to be mostly still together.

Later the doctor came in and explained that he had suffered a concussion after being hit by a van, which all came back to him as he heard the story. A Van. An older Asian woman not paying attention. And now he was here.

The doctor asked him if there was anyone he should call, and he thought for a moment about the question. His mother was his first thought, but she was 10,000 miles away and he didn't want to worry her, especially since it looked like he would live. Even still, being in a hospital room alone had a strange way of shining a light on a person’s current situation.

As he was lying there, he thought about how it was that he got here. He was a long way from home, and he traveled light and traveled alone. What if things had been worse? If the accident had been fatal? Who would be around to notice?

He recognized this as a depressive thought, and tried to balance it with a more reasonable alternative. Mostly he was okay being on his own, although he certainly felt lonely sometimes. It hadn’t occurred to him that New Zealand might be his final stand however, and this close call had made him a bit more philosophical about his particular place in the world right now.

He was a man in his 40’s now and there was still a lot ahead of him, scooter accidents notwithstanding. His crystal ball was a little cloudy right now, and for the most part he was okay with that and content to take life as it came.

He thought about his old mentor Dr. Paul, and how he had spent the last 20 or so years of his life on his own. After the death of his wife his work had deepened, and he has used his own pain and suffering to become a truly masterful therapist. Was that his destiny as well?

He also knew his old mentor has a tendency towards the bottle in those later years, and he knew he had some of those same bad habits. Alfred Adler had posited that alcoholism was a result of the avoidance of the life tasks, which he identified as love, friendship, and work. For Dr. Paul there was work and then scotch, and maybe some jazz. He wasn’t sure that was enough for him.

On the other hand the work he had done had affected thousands of people, which was a powerful responsibility and a kind of immortal legacy to leave behind in the world. A therapist of Dr. Paul’s caliber truly changed lives, and John wondered if he might ascend to this same level of mastery.

But there were women in his life that continued to come and go. There always had been, and it was something he had been thinking more about. Was he capable of settling down again? Embracing commitment?

His accident had been a wake up call, and he realized his thoughts were trending in a lonely and isolated direction. He made a deal with himself to identify some more goal oriented and meaningful ways of connecting with the world. Historically he had turned to whatever women may be available to him as well as alcohol when he was in this mindset, but he was trying to be more mindful about how his actions affected others.

His next moves would require a little more thoughtfulness.

Chapter 31

The session with the couple evolved into a discussion on the relationship between intimacy and vulnerability, and at times felt a little confrontational. Couple’s counseling often took on a completely different dynamic than one-to-one work, and sometimes things needed to be said that were uncomfortable. He thought back to Yalom in that moment, and what he said about being the voice of critical reason with people. You hate to be love’s executioner.

When he asked them if there was a time in their relationship when they had been truly vulnerable, each of them struggled with the question. Things were good right now and they hadn’t had in-depth conversations about their deepest thoughts, dreams, and fears. It was physical, intense, and a whirlwind so far.

 But some cracks were starting to show in the relationship, and that was what brought them here. Jealousy over missed phone calls, possessiveness, and sexual encounters that were becoming less frequent. These were red flags that usually didn’t lead anywhere good.

He ended up assigning them Gottman’s Love Map exercises, where
a couple answers a series of questions related to their personal history as a couple. Some of the questions included, “What was the first movie we watched together?” and “Can you name my favorite song?” and other questions designed to build closeness and connection. It was an excellent place to start.

At the conclusion of the session he dipped into his private stash of materials reserved for those going through more severe levels of heartbreak. He looked through his bookshelf and found Neil Gaiman, author of “American Gods” and a lot of other great material. An unlikely source to use in counseling to be sure, but he had always found inspiration in unusual places. He read,

‘Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.’

It was always a huge hit with the broken hearted crowd, and he
 laughed and thought about the larger message. To be vulnerable meant you could be hurt. There was no getting around it. He thought about Amarita and how she was unwilling to be totally with him and how it might relate to this idea. He thought about Lisa, who clearly had been hurt by making herself vulnerable again.

His mind was processing all of this as he hopped on his scooter to go home. It was a new toy he had purchased to navigate Auckland’s busy streets, and so far he was having a blast on it. His mind was still on Neil Gaiman when he accelerated around a turn and saw a van coming towards him.


After that everything faded to black.