Chapter 31

The session with the couple evolved into a discussion on the relationship between intimacy and vulnerability, and at times felt a little confrontational. Couple’s counseling often took on a completely different dynamic than one-to-one work, and sometimes things needed to be said that were uncomfortable. He thought back to Yalom in that moment, and what he said about being the voice of critical reason with people. You hate to be love’s executioner.

When he asked them if there was a time in their relationship when they had been truly vulnerable, each of them struggled with the question. Things were good right now and they hadn’t had in-depth conversations about their deepest thoughts, dreams, and fears. It was physical, intense, and a whirlwind so far.

 But some cracks were starting to show in the relationship, and that was what brought them here. Jealousy over missed phone calls, possessiveness, and sexual encounters that were becoming less frequent. These were red flags that usually didn’t lead anywhere good.

He ended up assigning them Gottman’s Love Map exercises, where
a couple answers a series of questions related to their personal history as a couple. Some of the questions included, “What was the first movie we watched together?” and “Can you name my favorite song?” and other questions designed to build closeness and connection. It was an excellent place to start.

At the conclusion of the session he dipped into his private stash of materials reserved for those going through more severe levels of heartbreak. He looked through his bookshelf and found Neil Gaiman, author of “American Gods” and a lot of other great material. An unlikely source to use in counseling to be sure, but he had always found inspiration in unusual places. He read,

‘Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.’

It was always a huge hit with the broken hearted crowd, and he
 laughed and thought about the larger message. To be vulnerable meant you could be hurt. There was no getting around it. He thought about Amarita and how she was unwilling to be totally with him and how it might relate to this idea. He thought about Lisa, who clearly had been hurt by making herself vulnerable again.

His mind was processing all of this as he hopped on his scooter to go home. It was a new toy he had purchased to navigate Auckland’s busy streets, and so far he was having a blast on it. His mind was still on Neil Gaiman when he accelerated around a turn and saw a van coming towards him.


After that everything faded to black.