Chapter 37

He had struggled with the urge to drink too much following the

situation with Amarita, and recognized the familiar pattern in his life. As a response to this pattern, he decided to attend a dharma talk at the Auckland Buddhist center regarding mental health and addictions. He needed the reinforcement.

The discussion on this evening was about acceptance, and the paradox between needing to be proactive about healthy behaviors in the face of maladaptive patterns, while also accepting life as it was. Lately he had been feeling very “unlucky” in his life, but also recognized this was lazy thinking that lacked a large global perspective about the nature of reality.

He thought about sharing his story, but in the end decided he would rather listen. Carl Rogers discussed education as a process of remembering what we sometimes already knew, and he wanted to listen and think today as opposed to sharing.

On the ride home he turned on the radio and heard John Lennon’s “Beautiful Boy.” He’d always loved the line “life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans,” and it was the perfect song to wrap up a productive weekend.

In a larger sense, he thought about how it related to his life. He had spent a lot of time lately thinking about love and commitment and the future, but in the meantime he had also lost his way a little bit. He had been playing the “when I just” game with himself, and he recognized it as a kind of bargaining. In this case it was ‘when I just find love I’ll be happy again’ and he recognized the flaw in his thinking.  

In the spirit of his weekend of mindfulness, he bought himself a large pistachio ice cream come and walked down under the Auckland Harbour Bridge close to his home. There were sometimes lovely sunsets this time of year, and he wanted to be there for it if it happened. He was embracing the now.

He opened his book again and turned to a chapter he had been reflecting on and rereading on a daily basis as necessary, “If you live in a past dream, you don't enjoy what is happening right now because you will always wish it to be different than it is. There is no time to miss anyone or anything because you are alive. Not enjoying what is happening right now is living in the past and being only half alive. This leads to self pity, suffering and tears.” 

The sunset was indeed glorious that evening, and he was glad he had taken the walk. The ice cream was wonderful, the colors of the sky were beautiful, and he was starting to find some peace. Perhaps we don’t see ourselves growing sometimes while it’s happening.

Growth often came disguised as something else.