Chapter 38

The next morning he met with a young intern he was supervising as the final portion of her doctoral studies. She was an attractive island girl from Niue named Rasheed, and he had agreed to supervise her after discovering she had a true passion for the work.

He thought again about his old mentor Dr. Paul, and how he had been the young and eager student once upon a time. He had no idea at the time how much this relationship would shape and even define his life, and he reminded himself to remember this as he dispensed advice to Rasheen.

She came in today to discuss her first experiences with couple’s counseling, as she was struggling with being taken seriously as a young clinician. It was a common problem for people just starting out, but the research demonstrated that young clinicians were often more empathic than their more experienced counterparts.

“So John,” she began. “This couple is driving me crazy and the only thing they seem to agree on is I’m not helping them. Does this couple’s stuff even work?”

“Truthfully, not that well. Often times there is so much anger and resentment that has already built up that you can’t get people to let it go and try something else. What feedback have they given you specifically?”

“Well they both say things like, nothing has changed this week. Like things are supposed to magically change after a session.”

“Well one thing I have learned is that you can’t take any of that personally. I know you. Know how much you care about your clients. You give a lot. Let me ask you a question. Do they ask you about your own love life and experience with relationships? 

“All the time,” she replied. “How did you know that?”

“It’s a common kind of avoidance. Get you talking about yourself and they don’t have to take that long look in the mirror. So how do you respond in those moments?”

“I tell them that although I may not have been married for 40 years, I’ve had a number of experiences in my life that have included love and pain and loss, and that I have come to appreciate that I need to have a lot of gratitude and appreciation for the people in my life who have loved me.”

“That’s a damn good answer,” he said as he laughed. “There are two schools of thought on self-disclosure actually. Some psychologists are totally uncomfortable with it and like to keep that structure. I’ve always thought that I’m sharing some of a person’s most intimate stories and secrets, and if they’re going to trust me, I can share with them sometimes as well. Based on everything I’ve heard, you’re striking the balance really well. I’m proud of you. Proud of your progress.”

“Well that’s because I learned it from you,” she said as she returned the smile. 

“And if I haven’t said it lately, you really ought to know,” she said as she opened the door to leave.

“It really is such a pleasure to work with you.”

That was nice to hear.