Chapter 30

The next Monday in Auckland John found himself sitting with a
 passionate and difficult couple who had seen his name on an American website and booked an appointment. Although he wished to remain anonymous in New Zealand, his past had a way of catching up with him.

There were a number of ways to conduct a couple’s session, and John considered where to begin. Communication? Love languages? Gottmans’s seven principles of making marriage work? All excellent places to start and things he had considered.

But he had instead chosen to start with the triangular theory of love, which was a way of looking at love and relationships using an approach that looked at love from a triangular perspective with intimacy, passion, and commitment at each end of the respective triangle.

The couple in question had a great deal of passion as well as commitment, which the creator of the theory referred to as fatuous love. Love with great sex, forever kinds of promises, and a lack of intimacy. Sex becomes the device that a couple leans on for closeness and connection, and at the beginning this can seem like an intense and powerful bond.

But it isn’t. Invariably the sexual connection diminishes and other areas of the relationship suffer. 

He thought about all of this as it related to his own life. He had experienced a number of relationships that had had sex without commitment, and some others that had amazing closeness without passion.

But only once in his life had he experienced Consummate Love. The holy grail. Passion, intimacy and commitment. He considered this as it related to his current predicament. He had just experienced an intense and passionate experience with a woman who was, at least for now, unwilling to meet him a level of real commitment. This came with a kind of emptiness, regardless of what he felt their connection could be.

And then there was Lisa. A kind, generous person who might be his friend forever. He felt for her. Wanted her to be happy, but couldn’t give her everything she wanted. That was another kind of relationship. An important kind.

There were ten minutes before his session began, and his own issues were getting in the way. Helping, providing insight, and yet still, getting in the way.

Once more the breech…